I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
