Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
