can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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