haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my shit smells like andre
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
