I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
