They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
