I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
