Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
