I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
