If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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