she woke up with a sticky ear
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
