my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The air was thick with penises
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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