dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
