Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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