i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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