a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
