Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
