and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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