shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
