I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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