He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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