Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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