Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
