I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
