Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
