Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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