what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
