I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
