I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
