She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize