I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
