theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
