Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
