Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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