I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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