nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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