I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize