Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
