We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
