Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
