My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
