we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
