dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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