Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
