I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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