I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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