turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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