Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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