I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
