a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
this is an emotional support booty call
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
