I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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