Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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