So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize