And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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