I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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