Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
