sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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