Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We need a shit load of segways right now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
