I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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