Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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