I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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