god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
grandma shit on top of the toilet
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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