omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
