The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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