I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
