i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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