I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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