It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize